It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
