I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
