They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
