I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
