The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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