Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
