I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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