im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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