I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
