My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
