I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
