Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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