Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
