then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Randomize
