Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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