she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I AM VODKA MAN
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
