just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
