you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
