As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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