I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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