I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
