I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
