just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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