In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
