thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
