did you get engaged???
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
