new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
