Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
