I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
