drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
