You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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