I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
What did we do last night that was yellow?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
