Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Cover your peen. We're going out.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
