Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
