I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
