gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
