Dude my mom stole all your condoms
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
