guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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