I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My vagina is officially offended.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
