dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
