His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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