At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
