I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
