I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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