He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
