Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
