She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
