He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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