I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
