Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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