did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
