I want to make a zoo with you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
