It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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