i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
