god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
